I'm going to be posting some really personal but it's an update I need to share here and with others, so here it goes:
I have had severe depression since I was a young tween. I've had anxiety since high school. I was diagnosed with bi polar in 2011. I've had paranoia since 2013. On top of vitamin D deficiency that affects my sleep and health, along with scoliosis and an extremely bad knee, I am a doctors best paycheck.
My vitamin D deficiency requires me to take prescriptions that I could no longer afford which helped me with my sleeping problem. I sleep too much, I get headaches, and constantly feel ill (nausea, migraines, joint pain, etc). I have tried over the counter stuff but it's not the same, my body barely produces it naturally so I need a good dosage twice a day (and over the counter would require me to take way too many at once).
Bad sleeping problems are a huge contribute to depression and as I get older and work jobs with long hours, it's getting worse over time. I've been to so many doctors to try and fix my issues, it's just leading to more medical debt, more prescriptions, more blood work, and more things I cant afford.
Over the past year, it's gotten consistently worse with my mental health. From family distress to friendship disputes, it's taken a huge toll on me and it's becoming harder and harder to cope. I do not find joy in my hobbies anymore and find myself in an endless cycle of routine (go to work, sleep, repeat). I've been in and out of therapy all year and keep ending up in the same hole. I am not happy.
So I have decided to retire from cosplay and conventions for a long while, if not permanently. I cant keep going with this, I am not producing the levels of what I want anymore, the drama tied to me is getting harder to ignore, and as I get older the more isolated I become at conventions. I have cancelled all my convention plans save for the ones I have a table at (no refunds) but that's it.
Always take care of your health, whether it be physical or mental. Cosplay isn't worth putting that above anything else. I'm old and sick and cosplay has no room in my life anymore nor the energy to put into it. I've met wonderful people in this hobby and have many memories to cherish.
Thanks for sticking with me for this far.
It's been a few days since I've officially announced my retirement. I've already cancelled all my con rooms and threw away my cosplans for the year. I'm still working on the remaining commissions but I'm looking at a nice long break from doing ANYTHING cosplay related or even sewing outside of stock for my remaining 3 artist alley tables and online shop. I need an extremely long break from this hobby.
I have extremely bad self confidence as well, and feel that cosplay reached a dead end for me because I cant gain any fans, haven't won an award in years, and Katsucon 2017 ruined my self esteem with not being able to work with photographers because I wasn't cosplaying a girl, wasn't pretty enough, or well known enough. I still managed to find great photogs but it was still heart breaking to be straight up ignored and getting really rude emails about me not being good enough.
I put myself on such a huge scale of comparison because I have such beautifully talented friends that are shooting for the stars while I'm barely able to keep afloat. So I needed to get away from that. I just bought a book on how to sew for beginners because I need to go back to the roots of sewing and relearn everything. I don't know what I'll be doing between now and if I have the mental stability to return to cosplay, but I'll relearn while I focus on my my health as well, pay down my debt, and just take time for myself.
This site and my page will become slow. I hope to share more tutorials but on cosplay storage and other things I can come up with. Thank you for appreciating my work for this long and if I do return, I hope to give you better content.